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Me, Myself and “I Am” – Crash, Burn, Die
Me, Myself and “I Am” are a personal council of my living self. This is where I turn to have conversation and sort out the moment by moment experiences of my body, mind and spirit.
Life experience is abundant and I continue to return to be-ing at peace with what is. However, there are those bumps and grinds and self reflections that sometimes get my own self cornered, lost in a loop. Yet the knowing self is stepped aside and witnessing with the greatest love.
“Living Behind The Veil” is no small feat nor is visiting from the future. Both of which identify my parameter of self study too well. I remember as a child when in the confrontation of pain and suffering I would ask, actually I would scream out “Why do I have to know so much”. This was the earlier signs of my extreme sensitivity, especially when out-of-balance things were painful and discordant.
Years have gone by and I, like a special needs child, have sought remedies and hiding places that would shelter me from over-stimulation. This is probably why I successfully went on to become a certified special education teacher. I knew from deep within the sensitivity level and how to provide safe spaces.
Today as I have turned more and more of my listening ear to within, still going deeply into the “who Am I” exploration I find this same scenario of seeking more quiet and less over-stimulating places.
For awhile I outrageously entered the world only to later assess that I had created quite the extroverted character. As this self-created ego went about life there would inevitably be that moment of overload where I had to retreat, crash, burn and die. I continued to believe it was me and my inadequate emotional balance. So I would lick my wounds and pump myself up getting ready for re-entry. Essentially I was pumping up my ego, self esteem and god above god consciousness. It seemed to work for quite a long while as long as I would contend with the returning retreat, crash, burn and die.
Eventually my perspective on this loop took a turn. I decided to break the habit and simply not resist the comfort of the quiet space. I decided to retreat, crash, burn, die until something new surfaced. I’d take little dabs at re-entry but I could recognize the cues early and simply go to my quiet shelter sooner than later.
This brought dramatic changes into my world and ignited a whole series of self doubt, recrimination and disconnection with just about everything around me. I did not understand how isolation could be so soothing yet I questioned the validity of limited connection to the social world. This became the next level of my struggle, albeit, another layer of the ego.
My spiritual quest got very complicated because I wasn’t fully clear on what was ego and what was the “I Am”. Needless to say this quest has never ended. It simply has become more integrated.
Today I continue to set up scenarios for myself to further understand or better yet to further accept that this quietude has become a way of life simply because it soothes me. I still question my social participation but it seems to become less and less of a choice. I still experience bouts of self bereavement for this but choosing to go out instead of go in is becoming less of an option. As a result I Am commanded from my inner self, the I Am, to just surrender and allow this journey to unfold.
I exhibit many of the behaviors of a true monk or yogi in the Himalayas who has renounced the world. But I Am fully engaged in the world more than ever before as in staying in touch with world events and observing life simply as it is. I identify this as my personal spiritual journey and I don’t profess it is “The Way” by any means. It has become my way and I still want to resist.
I note how so much desire to interact has “fallen away”. Yet I also note those who are quite content to participate in the ways that they do. Although I do not relate I reserve honor and respect for those who do. But a repeating reflection is how much I don’t fit in unless, of course, I Am swimming in the bliss of “I Am”. In this world I Am at peace. So the questions still remain, on a spiritual level, what now Am I to make of life here on Earth. To this I Am reminded that my mere consciousness of heart fullness, compassion and all the heart virtues resonate through the entire collective planet. Know this, trust this, for Oneness prevails.
I share this very personal account because I do not feel that I Am truly alone in this experience. I sense we are all seeking truths and understanding of our “I Am”. I offer the experience for those who can read and find peace in knowing we are truly not alone. We simply journey in our own divine uniqueness.