Me, Myself and “I Am” – Crash, Burn, Die

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Me, Myself and “I Am” – Crash, Burn, Die

Me, Myself and “I Am” are a personal council of my living self. This is where I turn to have conversation and sort out the moment by moment experiences of my body, mind and spirit.

Life experience is abundant and I continue to return to be-ing at peace with what is. However, there are those bumps and grinds and self reflections that sometimes get my own self cornered, lost in a loop. Yet  the knowing self is stepped aside and witnessing with the greatest love.

“Living Behind The Veil” is no small feat nor is visiting from the future. Both of which identify my parameter of self study too well. I remember as a child when in the confrontation of pain and suffering I would ask, actually I would scream out “Why do I have to know so much”. This was the earlier signs of my extreme sensitivity, especially when out-of-balance things were painful and discordant.

Years have gone by and I, like a special needs child, have  sought remedies and hiding places that would shelter me from over-stimulation. This is probably why I successfully went on to become a certified special education teacher. I knew from deep within the sensitivity level and how to provide safe spaces.

Today as I have turned more and more of my listening ear to within, still going deeply into the “who Am I” exploration I find this same scenario of seeking more quiet and less over-stimulating places.

For awhile I outrageously entered the world only to later assess that I had created quite the extroverted character. As this self-created ego went about life there would inevitably be that moment of overload where I had to retreat, crash, burn and die. I continued to believe it was me and my inadequate emotional balance. So I would lick my wounds and pump myself up getting ready for re-entry. Essentially I was pumping up my ego, self esteem and god above god consciousness. It seemed to work for quite a long while as long as I would contend with the returning retreat, crash, burn and die.

Eventually my perspective on this loop took a turn. I decided to break the habit and simply not resist the comfort of the quiet space. I decided to retreat, crash, burn, die until something new surfaced. I’d take little dabs at re-entry but I could recognize the cues early and simply go to my quiet shelter sooner than later.

This brought dramatic changes into my world and ignited a whole series of self doubt, recrimination and disconnection with just about everything around me. I did not understand how isolation could be so soothing yet I questioned the validity of limited connection to the social world. This became the next level of my struggle, albeit, another layer of the ego.

My spiritual quest got very complicated because I wasn’t fully clear on what was ego and what was the “I Am”. Needless to say this quest has never ended. It simply has become more integrated.

Today I continue to set up scenarios for myself to further understand or better yet to further accept that this quietude has become a way of life simply because it soothes me. I still question my social participation but it seems to become less and less of a choice. I still experience bouts of self bereavement for this but choosing to go out instead of go in is becoming less of an option. As a result I Am commanded from my inner self, the I Am, to just surrender and allow this journey to unfold.

I exhibit many of the behaviors of a true monk or yogi in the Himalayas who has renounced the world. But I Am fully engaged in the world more than ever before as in staying in touch with world events and observing life simply as it is. I identify this as my personal spiritual journey and I don’t profess it is “The Way” by any means. It has become my way and I still want to resist.

I note how so much desire to interact has “fallen away”. Yet I also note those who are quite content to participate in the ways that they do. Although I do not relate I reserve honor and respect for those who do. But a repeating reflection is how much I don’t fit in unless, of course, I Am swimming in the bliss of “I Am”. In this world I Am at peace. So the questions still remain, on a spiritual level, what now Am I to make of life here on Earth. To this I Am reminded that my mere consciousness of heart fullness, compassion and all the heart virtues resonate through the entire collective planet. Know this, trust this, for Oneness prevails.

I share this very personal account because I do not feel that I Am truly alone in this experience. I sense we are all seeking truths and understanding of our “I Am”. I offer the experience for those who can read and find peace in knowing we are truly not alone. We simply journey in our own divine uniqueness.

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3 thoughts on “Me, Myself and “I Am” – Crash, Burn, Die

    Tracey Ledebur said:
    October 16, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Blue, I am profoundly touched by your eloquence with this piece of writing. I too have been on this path all my life and relate to every word. I have been through the dis-engagement from the rest of the world in order to find a sense of peace, and have just recently reached a sense of clarity about who I am – who we all are – ultimate creators. I have come to the understanding that every focus is our choice- be it an ancient text or the nightly news. All lead to a chance to learn about ourselves even deeper, thus clarifying where our next chosen focus will be. Using this new level of perception, I began to feel an excitement (prior it was filled with apprehension) growing inside about diving back into the world with the full knowing that I could choose ANY direction (or none at all) without limits, and all options being equal (from the ONE perspective) – that my choices were mine alone about how my personal story will unfold in a very proactive way (with no fear necessary). I feel like I am finally getting close to understanding the power we have as humans to create a life that suits us perfectly, through intended focus. Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey with the world. It has meant so much to know someone as “woo-woo” as me. lol I also believe there are more on this particular path than I may have thought, as I have recently seen similar thoughts being expressed from a wide array of places. But then again…maybe it’s just what I created in my world…and I’m good with that. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

      bluestardeerwomon responded:
      October 16, 2015 at 6:35 pm

      I all-ways appreciate how you take the time to communicate and engage with my life. It means a lot to me. Know that you are embraced and honored.
      Yes, this has been quite a long adventure. I do have my moments of impatience thinking I’ll simply stay in this quiet place for the rest of my life. Each time I peek out to see if anything jazzzzes me I don’t.
      I recognize the truth in what you are saying that ultimately we do arrive at a place of no limits, no fear and empowered co-creators. My koan is that participating in anything is not, at least right now, in synchronicity with any impulse.
      I do very much enjoy “Get Lit” our weekly broadcast and I examine this over and over. I ask what is it that jazzzzes me here? I continue to have the insight that the show, indeed, is where I experience no limits, no fear and most importantly I Am in my full expression – anything goes. Perhaps I have retired from experiences that have limits. Yet, I feel connected and giving via the show. It does sync with me. And even though I speak anywhere as I do on the broadcast I Am highly sensitive to the limits of reception. I’m not attached to anyone adopting my point of view. I simply enjoy sharing views with each other. But I Am devoted 24/7 as in a conversation of consciousness. If it veres off of this subject I readily feel misplaced. I recognize it as same ole patterns and subjects. Perhaps, it is a dimming down of what I really want to be engaged in. Perhaps, this is a temporary phase as well. But so many things in this world seem inanimate, predictable and thus my comment of relating more as a be-ing of the future. Much seems so archaic to me except the Mother, Earth where I do spend most of my time.

      Liked by 1 person

    New Earth Heartbeat said:
    October 26, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    It is always nourishing to be included in your journey, Deer SiStar! Many aspects of this Mysterioso we are living are touched in your reports above and all of them are expressions of our growing awareness in these times. No old patterns can hold fascination for us any longer and so they are being dropped wholesale. What remains? For me at this moment the sense of regarding all as the Beloved and including all interactions on whatever level (waking, dream and deep sleep) in the awareness as essential to my life’s path right now. So I continue to be challenged to accept all changes, knowing that this one sea of Energy in manifestation is only and always benign, despite the appearances. Thank you for your intimate expression!
    with love,
    tomas

    Liked by 1 person

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