Comfort In The Mystery

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After years, pretty much my entire incarnation, I Am finding “Comfort In The Mystery”. Certainly this came with an abundance of personal hurdles including self doubt, gullableness, betrayal…you know all the multi layers of pain and suffering. The infinite spark within kept me going, picking myself up over and over when I thought it was my last fall and conclusion to life. Gratefully, at least now at this juncture in my Earthly experience, I can recognize the gifts acquired. These gifts is what brings me to this “here and now”.

The most recent last stretch of my personal unfoldment was absolutely daunting, as if any stretch doesn’t lead you to this point, but this one had to do with the deep exploration of genuinely be-ing alone. This aloneness, mind you, wasn’t about no people or social interactions in my life. No, it was the authentic knowing that no matter what I was alone on this journey. It was personal, quiet and revealing. I was the teacher and the student and eventually an undeniable integral of all Creation.

Yes, a very profound knowing to come to but not without the hard work and shoveling out of what no longer serves. For those of you on this internal quest you know what I speak. For those of you not on this quest or in avoidance you know the scary hurdles and, perhaps, have paused or specifically made the choice to not go there. Trust me I understand the forks in the road and, I too, chose the detours until I could no longer. It came to a point after many falls and surrenders that there was only one way through and that was facing all my fears and gearing up as any warrior does and in-couraging self to go forward. I sensed it simply no longer served me to remain ignorant and adopt the Earthly conformities just to get by. That just never sat well with me.

It was a continuous gnawing inside me that said something just isn’t right in this world. On one hand I’d view the external reality and understood I was to find my place within it but that just never sat well. I did not fit and I didn’t want to so what were my choices?!

I fought outwardly like any warrior does and sought ways to “change the world”. Oh, the battles were gruesome, discouraging to say the least and certainly way to slow in progress for me to be at peace. I tried this and that approach to no avail and only to be infuriated with what the collective consciousness was willing to settle for. I tried every avenue, politics, activism, psychology, taking leadership and going through the arts, on the stage and meekly settled for doing intuitive readings and spiritual mentorship to raise one consciousness at a time. Eventually that wore thin as well. This juncture was quite a dilemma when I couldn’t embrace the concept of service or creative adaptation. That just wasn’t the answer.

I sought out my own cave as if I was in the Himalayas and simply sat and I sat and sat and sat with all the horrors of asking WTF is this life about?! Who TF Am I?! Surely there is a path for me! Dark it became and dark I observed. Briefly, without going into the horrific details I found my way home but it doesn’t end there. My relationship to myself changed and the challenges remain but I stand stronger in my own truth and thus have an infinite bag of tools to continue.

The permeating truth I share is when I found this “Comfort In The Mystery”. It’s quiet where I sit and genuinely can make the hair raise on your arms as this penetrating stillness takes you somewhere over and over out of what you may have called your “comfort zone”. At first, this daunting unknowing truly unnerved me. I gave it all kinds of meanings including the boogie man was here. Blatantly I was frightened. I’d start to get nervous and wanted to escape. I’d watch myself seek distraction. I sensed at any given moment a monster was going to appear or even an ET that on the one hand I wanted to experience and on the other I really was a bit skittish in the thought of a meeting. That one certainly contradicted my own self beliefs.

At this juncture what I have uncovered is it was the unfamiliar that challenged me. The unfamiliar is a real and tangible energetic shift and not one I create but one I experience. When I’d sit in silence and all the mind chatter would exit and the imaginings of light and love became still the daunting essence of darkness, a return to the mother’s womb would “Be” with no thoughts or invocations just “Be”. This is a breathless drop into nothingness a moment when our own internal DMT kicks in and a journey indescribable reveals itself. Albeit, reveals only the corridors of Self. There is no one else but Self and then that delicate moment of insight knowing when Self, that too, is no longer there. I will no longer further any attempts of description here as this is your own translation.

The point is that place of unknowing invites us to relax, trust and allow the mystery to be a mystery. The call for me has been to cultivate my comfort in not knowing. The call has been to allow any remaining fears to be released. As I venture over and over towards quietude and get more familiar with knowing stillness will occur but a definition of stillness no longer exists then I sit in simple readiness that there is nothing I know or will know as I sit in the depths of depths, the Mystery. This is what I Am nurturing at this juncture in my incarnation…how can I Be “ Comfort In The Mystery”.

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